


the fine line between love and hate

by yessir667



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Era, Hurt/Comfort, Language, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mention of abuse, Minor Violence, Oneshot, mention of alcoholism, remus and sirius are two very fucked up kids, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29687805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yessir667/pseuds/yessir667
Summary: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black have been sneaking around, but it gets to be too much sometimes. Secrecy, a fist fight, and a talk about feelings between our favorite messed up werewolf and our even more messed up Black heir.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 12





	the fine line between love and hate

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I am not an author so forgive me if this isn’t very good, just and idea and too much free time. Enjoy :)

“god, you’re such an idiot, you know that right?” remus chuckled as he and Sirius entered the empty dorm room.

“look, wormWART and wormWOOD sound basically the same, this is not my fault that I ruined the potion you shouldn’t have left me in charge in ingredients that sound basically the same!” Sirius complained.

“well now tomorrow we’re going to have to go back in and do the whole thing over, and it’s absolutely your fault.” Remus said as he crossed the room, loosening his tie.

Remus could pretend to pissed off, but as lame as potions was, hanging out with Sirius made up for it. Laughing and stirring the potion, chopping up ingredients and just talking, the whole class used to be a nightmare but now Remus had to admit he looked forward to extra time with Sirius. 

  
“Fine. I’m sorry.” Sirius drawled, “At least we’re not James and Pete, they exploded the whole cauldron.”

  
“Speaking of them, where are they?” Remus said as he flopped on his bed, next to Sirius.

“Sluggie got all heated, obviously, they practically killed us all. Detention until 6 I believe.”

“Hm. That’s three hours.” Remus raised his brow.

  
“That is three hours?” Sirius looked confused.

  
Remus sighed and put it into simpler terms, “You know what we could do in three hours?”

  
“I don’t know Remus, you’re confusing me.”

  
Remus groaned and then raised his eyebrows again, looking down at his loosened tie and unbuttoned shirt, hoping Sirius would finally catch his drift.

  
“Oh! Oh!” Sirius grinned, “Why didn’t you just say it, of course.” Sirius got up from the bed and crossed their room to the door, double checking the door was locked, and then put up a silence ward. Remus waited patiently on the bed, arms stretched behind his back, grinning like mad man. Sirius turned back around, both boys wearing foolish grins on their faces. Remus sat up as Sirius walked over and closed the space between them, hot mouth meeting hot mouth.

  
Sirius climbed onto the bed, towering over Remus, kissing him slowly and moving his freehand through Remus’ curls.

  
Remus grabbed Sirius by the shoulders and flipped him onto his back, taking off the starched button up.

  
Sirius caught his drift and started unbuckling his belt. Remus leaned back down, giggling between kisses.

  
Suddenly there was a sharp knock and a piece of paper slid under the door. Sirius practically threw Remus off of himself, jumping quickly to the other bed. Remus got off the floor, annoyed by Sirius’ sudden push, and crossed the room to pick up the note.

  
Simple card stock adorned with a flower stamp, it had to be Lily. He picked it up and flipped it over to read it aloud to Sirius,  
“Hi Rem, I saw the door was locked and I figured you were out or something so I left this note, do you want to study with me in the library later tomorrow, maybe around noon. We’ve got runes and you’re much better at it than I am, let me know! Lily x”

  
“Calm down Sirius, it was just Lily, it’s not like she heard anything.”

  
“Yeah, but it was close. This isn’t even the closest instance we’ve had.”

  
“Relax, will you? I know you get all bitchy when something like this happens, but it wouldn’t happen if we just like, told people.”

Remus was getting frustrated, they’ve had this conversation time and time again and Sirius refused to listen each time.

  
“We both know we can’t, don’t be daft.”

  
“I’m not being daft! At least Prongs or Wormy! Or Lily! Plus Marlene keeps trying to set me up with every girl in our year and I have to turn each one down! I’d like for at least our friends to know!”

  
“Look, I’ve told you time and time again, no fucking way. I know you don’t care what people think about you, but I do.”

  
Remus looked cross, “Well if you’re going to act like that, maybe I’ll get with Julia. Keeps passing me notes in the library.”

  
“Fuck if I care.”

  
Remus huffed and dropped the note on the dresser, buttoning his shirt back up.  
He cared. He cared, right? Remus always worried that their love was one sided, that Remus would be head over heels for Sirius forever but he was nothing but a quick fuck to Sirius.

  
“You should ask Marlene to set me up with some of those matches, I think Emmeline or Mary would suit me.” Sirius adds.

  
Remus stops organized his drawer and huffs, “Emmeline and Mary don’t suit you because you’re gay Sirius.”

  
Remus and Sirius had this talk a million times before, Sirius would talk about the girls he had fucked and Remus would shrivel up, silent but fuming. Nothing made Remus angrier than Sirius pretending that he didn’t enjoy the time they spent together, Remus saw the disinterest he showed his women, the inability to commit, the way he’d cringe when girls would get too close, it wasn’t the same as him. Not the same as how he’d exhale at Remus’ touch, the love in his eyes, he loves Remus, he had to. Remus knew in his heart that he meant more to Sirius than fucking Emmeline Vance or Mary McDonald.

  
“No the fuck I am not,” Sirius glares at Remus, “I made that super clear when we started whatever this is.”

  
“Whatever this is is fucking, Sirius. You’re fucking another dude. That makes you pretty gay.” Remus walked towards Sirius, malice written all over his face. Remus spent too long holding in what he knew was the truth, Sirius was gay and he loved him.

  
“Fuck you.” Sirius spits, “I fuck Vanessa in hufflepuff way more than I fuck you, prick.”

  
Sirius stands up to meet Remus, inches apart, “And you know what, I can fuck whoever I like and you don’t get to have an opinion on it. You’re not my fucking girlfriend Remus.”

  
Remus felt waves of anger, and momentarily hurt, wash over him. He knew with every bone of his body that Sirius loved him, but he didn’t have the balls to just fucking say it. Remus couldn’t see Sirius in that moment, just red. Just red as he balled his fist, just red as he brought his arm up, just red as he sank his knuckles into Sirius’ face, just red as the blood oozed out of his nose. Remus stepped back, dazed, Sirius hurt and angry staring up at him from the floor.

  
For a second Sirius looked terrified, like he had seen a thousand ghosts behind Remus but he wasn’t looking at ghosts, he was looked at Remus. Remus felt the anger wash away and the guilt crash in.

  
Don’t hit me, Sirius almost said. He could see the look on Remus’ face change from anger to regret and he wondered why until he realized the terror he felt, and that Remus could tell. It was strange, the person you felt safest around becoming an object of fear.

  
“What the fuck, Remus.” Sirius glared at him, the fear in his eyes was taken over by anger and Sirius stood back up, pounding Remus with his fists this time. Remus took the punches, feeling awful about not controlling his temper and hurting Sirius, punches hitting his eyes, hitting his nose, the corner of his mouth. It wasn’t funny, but it was a little funny that ten minutes ago Sirius was hitting the same spots but with sweet kisses, only to graze the same spots with his knuckles now. Sirius’ family ring cut his brow and his lip, his face bruised and bloody.

  
Sirius took a step back again, he took it too far. He was always takes things too fucking far. Remus lay on the floor, his face all kinds of fucked up. Sirius just needed to erase the fear that Remus saw, the pain. Remus stood back up and cupped Sirius’ face in his hands, and he laughed. He was laughing?

  
“God,” he laughed, “We are all kinds up fucked up aren’t we?”

  
Sirius couldn’t help but laugh as well, Remus really did look messed up. Still, underneath the bruises and the scars, he was still so beautiful. “I’m sorry, Moony, I took it too far.” Sirius leaned into Remus’ taller frame, his larger arms wrapping around his shoulders. Even though Sirius never felt more vulnerable than when he was with Remus, his true nature exposed, Remus still made him feel so safe. With his arms around him and his face all bloodied up, Sirius still felt so warm, so safe.

  
“It’s okay love, I started it. I’m sorry.” Remus pulled Sirius’ head under his chin and placed a solemn kiss on the top of his head.

  
Remus held Sirius for a bit, and then finally broke the hug, and walked across the room to the dresser and pulled out a little metal box.

  
“Oh?” Sirius grinned, laying back down on his bed, Remus smiling back. He pulled a record out from a different drawer and put it on the player, lifting the needle to hit a specific song. The sweet guitar and static from their dusty old record player filled the room as he opened up the box and pulled out two neatly rolled joints and a silver lighter. Remus walked over to Sirius’ bed and stuck the joint into his mouth, Sirius leaning forward to allow Remus to light it. Remus lit his own joint and inhaled a long drag, exhaling slowly after. He turned over to Sirius and laughed, “Much better huh?”  
Sirius laughed back, beginning to feel the high and relaxation.

  
“There are much better ways to deal with our problems, this being number one.” Sirius laughed, smoke coming out of his nose and mouth as he talked.

  
“We do need to talk though.” Remus looked down, “I thought it might be easier this way, you know?”

  
Sirius stayed silent. He didn’t want to talk. He wanted to get high, fuck, maybe dance, but not talking.

  
“I want to tell Lily.” Remus faced him, “I want to talk to her about my life, and you’re part of it and I feel like she wouldn’t judge or tell anyone.”

  
Sirius looked at the sheets and replied quietly, “I don’t want to tell anyone because it makes it real.”

  
Weed really brought out the honesty in the boys. Remus pulled Sirius’ chin up to meet his eyes, “What we have is real Sirius. I know you think you’re not gay and you think this, this- thing we have, is meaningless, but it’s not! I see how you look at me when you think I’m not looking,” Remus grabbed the sides of Sirius’ face, “I know the way you run your hand through my hair, caress my face, when you think I’m sleeping. Sirius, I know, I’m not stupid, and you’re not either. I love you, I love you! And I know you love me too. You’re gay, and you love me.”

  
Sirius pulled his face out of Remus’ hands, red flashing in his eyes, and he thought of a million things to say, a million ways to tell Remus that he didn’t love him. That what they had was nothing, that he was imagining everything, Remus was just another fuck to him, meaningless. But he’d be lying. He looked at Remus and saw everything good in the world, sunshine in his tawny curls, freckles that connected like constellation, pale skin coated in scars but beautiful nonetheless, the scars made Remus beautiful, each dip in his face or scratch was what made him so nice to look at, so nice to kiss. But Remus also was everything bad inside Sirius, every feeling he’d been ashamed of, every stolen glance he cursed himself for afterward, every feeling of love he knew he wasn’t supposed to feel came alive in Remus. Remus made him feel so guilty, and what kind of love is that? Is love covered in shame still love?

  
Sirius glared at Remus, thinking, and then leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss on his dry lips. He leaned back again, taking another drag of the joint, “Fuck.”

  
“My family is going to kill me Remus, you know that I can’t tell people because they’ll kill me, you know what they’ll do.”

  
“When did you start caring what your family thinks? You hate your mom and dad and they hate you too, what difference does it make if they have another reason to hate you for?”  
Sirius glared harder, “You don’t understand, I’m an heir, it doesn’t matter if I hate my family or if they hate me, I have a role to play. Marry another pure blood, inherit the title, be a Black.”

  
Remus turned and took another hard hit of the joint, letting the smoke fill his lungs, “I don’t know when you started giving a fuck about being a Black.”

  
Sirius stared at him, he didn’t care about being a Black, but his reputation was his reputation. “This isn’t about being a Black. This is about being part of the biggest pure blood family in England, people will talk.”  
Remus turned back around to face Sirius, hurt written all over his bloodied up face, “You think you’re better than me.”

  
“What, no-“ Sirius tried to say before Remus interrupted, “No, you think you’re better than me because you come from some posh pure blood family and you wouldn’t dare be seen with some filthy, werewolf, half-blood, Lupin boy.” Remus enunciated each of the last words, somehow managing to make them hit Sirius even harder.

  
“You know that’s not what I meant Moons, I mean this, what this is, it’s scarier for me than for you.”

  
This past year Remus had had the worst year of his life. His mom had passed, finally. There was no good way to say it, but he was so glad she was dead. The last two years has been torture, watching his once bubbly and full of life mother confined to a hospital bed in their living room, wasting away. She stopped yelling storing, sharing jokes, she just slept and moaned, the cancer in her bones eating away every part of her. She had died three months ago but the Hope Lupin that he had known had died years prior. Lyall Lupin died with Hope Lupin. The man Remus once used to looked up to had withered away with his wife, so depressed he couldn’t even get out of bed most days. And the days he did get out of bed he drank, and he drank and drank and drank. And when he drank he got angry and the Lupin household became inhabitable. Remus spent most of his time crashing at Lily’s house or hanging out in libraries, restaurants, bakeries, anywhere that wasn’t home. The abuse of his father was intolerable but what really made it worse was the talk, the whispers around their small town, “have you see Lyall Lupin around?” “I heard that sweet woman Hope finally died and he went mad, does nothing but sleep and drink.” “And his boy has got all those scars,” “Tragedy, tragedy”. The pity looks, the extra donuts slipped into his bag, the way people would ask if he was okay, needed help, they all had good intentions but it was all so overwhelming. Just more reminders that his father hated him and his mother was dead. He didn’t tell his friends that his mom had died or that his home life was anything but good because he didn’t want them to react the same way his neighbors and home town did, like he was some fragile being who was holding on by a thin thread. Because he wasn’t, and the way Sirius talked like he was better than him, like he was the only boy in all of the uk who was at risk if people found out who he truly was wasn’t fair. 

  
“Oh, oh I see. You think that this is more of a risk for you than for me, right?” Remus waved his finger as he talked, “You think that because you have some higher status that coming out is a million times harder for you, right? Well let me tell you something Sirius, I have nothing. Nothing! You come out, your parents hate you, they burn your name off their will or whatever the fuck, you’ve got a fucking trust fund! Sirius you’re set! For life! You’ve got James! You know damn well that kid will take you in in a heartbeat if anything bad ever happened to you, but what about me Sirius? What do I have? My father will hate me, kick me out, and then where the fuck do I go? Huh? A penniless werewolf Lupin half blood, I will have nothing Sirius. So do not pretend like you somehow have it worse than me because you have some status quo you feel the need to fit, because you don’t. This is scary for the both of us and you need to understand that.”

  
Sirius couldn’t help but just stare at Remus, the fury still apparent in his eyes. Sirius felt awful because Remus was right, he was being a dick about this whole thing and he didn’t even stop to think about what might happen to Remus.

  
“I’m sorry.” he spoke softly, “I wasn’t thinking about what you might have to go through, it was selfish.”

  
The anger in Remus’ face dissolved and he took Sirius into his arms, “I’m sorry too, I was mean.”

  
“They’ll kill me though. My parents.”

  
Remus looked down to face Sirius, fear written all over his face.

  
“Like they’ll actually kill me. They’ve tried before.”

  
“What the fuck Pads, why didn’t you tell me?”

  
Sirius also had one of the worst years of his life, his parents had introduced new ways to torture their eldest son, throwing crucios and other fatal curses in the mix. He wore longs sleeves to hide the thin stretching scars up and down his back that the curse had left and if Remus ever noticed he’d just reply “boating accident when I was a kid”. That one always seemed to do the trick.

  
“I just didn’t want to worry you, well mainly i just didn’t want to talk about it.”

  
“Jesus, Pads now I feel like a dick,” Remus sighed. “Are you okay?”

  
Sirius shrugged, it was a loaded question. Sure he was okay now, but was also constantly nervous, breathing too quick anytime he thought about going home. He also felt so alone all the time. Once Regulus had stopped talking to him, there wasn’t anyone left to talk to about the horrors of the Black manor. He could talk to James or Remus, but they wouldn’t get it, they weren’t there. And then he’d be afraid that they’d look at him different, he hated feeling vulnerable. But it was so goddamn lonely not talking about it. “No. Not really. Today’s better but I get so nervous about going home.” Sirius sighed.

  
Remus was shocked he’d said no, Sirius was a locked box with emotions, he reached closer and grabbed his hand, “Do you want to talk about it?”

  
“I wasn’t in a boating accident.”

  
Remus was confused for a second but then he remembered, the cruciatus curse scars on page 389 of their defense of the dark arts text book. How boating accidents didn’t cause the long thin lines, illegal curses did.

  
“Oh.” Remus exhaled, “Fuck, Pads. You need to get out of there.”

  
Sirius nodded, “Yeah. I do. It fucking sucks. So hard, it sucks, I hate it there.”

  
Remus’ grip on Sirius’ hand tightened, “I knew it was bad but I never thought it was this bad. I’m going to kill Walburga and Orion Black.”  
Sirius smiled, “Not yet you won’t, I’ll hang in there a little longer, but I’ve been thinking about asking James’ parents if I could maybe spend a little more time there during the summers.”

  
“Yes, definitely, Pads I’m sorry.”

  
The look in Remus’ eyes made Sirius want to go back in time and take back everything he’d said. Pity. It was embarrassing. But upon closer look, Remus’ expression looked different than pity, it was empathy, and it was all the safety Sirius needed. Talking to Remus was one big long exhale.

“It’s okay. Everything is fine now because Hogwarts is my home. You, James, Pete, you’re my family. Not those assholes.”  
Remus smiled.

  
“What about you, are you okay?”  
In the moment of vulnerability, Remus didn’t think twice about spilling his guts about his personal life. He exhaled and rested his head on Sirius’ shoulder, “My mom died.” he said quietly.

  
“Shit.”

  
“Yeah, shit.”

  
Sirius ran his fingers through Remus’ hair, holding him closer, “When?”

  
“End of last summer.”

  
Sirius pulled Remus’ head up gently, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  
He shrugged, “I guess I just didn’t want to talk about it. My dad hates me now and I barely spend anytime at home anymore, mainly because it’s just broken bottles and him either too drunk or depressed to stand, I just didn’t want to talk about it.”

  
Sirius held Remus’ head under his chin, “Fuck Moons, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve any of that shit.”

  
Remus looked back up at Sirius, “We’ve really been through some tough shit huh?” he smiled.

  
Sirius smiled back, Remus’ grin made everything better. He couldn’t help but smile as well, god, when did his life become so fucked up?

  
Remus straightened out on the bed, leaning back on the pillow, “Come here.”

  
Sirius scooted towards him, laying his head on Remus’ chest, breathing in Remus’ scent.

Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius, “We’re pretty fucked up, huh?” Sirius laughed. Remus nodded, chuckling along.

  
“You know, we don’t have to tell people yet, when you’re ready, if ever. I’m okay with doing whatever it is that we’re doing.”

  
Sirius peeked up at Remus, “I want to tell people. I do, I’m just scared, of course.” He leaned back down hesitating, “I love you Moony.”

  
“I love you.” it felt like a weight lifted off his chest and the more he said it, the more he felt it, the fear seemed so small now compared to the love he felt for Remus. Maybe things would feel scarier when he finally sobered up.  
“I love you too Pads.”

  
Sirius lifted his head up, “Get up.”

  
Remus got up, confused, Sirius jumping off the bed and holding out a hand for him.  
He took it and Sirius led him to the center of the room, wrapping his hands around Remus’ neck.

  
“Oh,” Remus smiled, wrapping his hands around Sirius’ waist, Sirius leading them through a waltz to a Beatles song.

  
“You can’t waltz to a Beatles,” Remus laughed.

  
“Watch me”

  
They spun around the room, feet stepping over each other, elbows knocking together, lips meeting lips. Two fucked up kids, in a fucked up relationship, who couldn’t have been happier than in each other’s arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed or even if you didn’t, please leave a comment, I’d love to hear what you have to say. Notes and constructive criticism are much appreciated as well! Thanks!


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